Expanding Your Sense of What’s Possible
An Antidote to Overwhelm
I once heard Kevin Kelly share a piece of advice that I’ve thought about nearly every week since hearing it. Mostly when tying my shoes.
If you want to untangle something, like string or a cord, focus on adding as much “looseness” as you can rather than trying to untangle it.
The shift in focus from the outcome (untangling the cord) to the means by which the outcome is achieved (more loosening) works surprisingly well.
Of course, as must be the case for the wisest sages, Kevin’s advice is often more broadly applicable. You can think of untangling a complicated situation, or a tense conversation (notice the adjective… tense).
But I recently thought of applying it to a different scenario, a new scenario, while thinking about someone close to me struggling with their current day to day reality and feeling anxious about finding the right next move.
I’ve been in similar frames of mind before. You somehow find yourself in a daily reality you despise, yet you feel obligated to continue because of real life responsibilities. Like paying rent, having student loans, or having seven months left on your lease. Sometimes, you even feel embarrassed by the idea of abandoning the prestige or status associated with your current situation (a good job in a respected industry, a specific college degree, or even where you want to live). Whatever the specific tensions of the present moment, you feel generally overwhelmed and even hopeless.
This frame of mind often leads to wanting to do something immediate and extreme: quit the job tomorrow, stop talking to a person altogether, or drop out of school. These can sometimes be the best paths forward, but they are often analogous to tugging at the tangled ball of cord in anger and tightening the whole mess. In these types of situation I think that what has normally happened is your sense of options has collapsed and your sense of self has fused to your current reality.
What has worked for me in situations like these is to focus on adding looseness. In this context, looseness is about expanding your sense of what’s possible. The tension comes from feeling trapped or stuck in your current reality and understandably the impulse is then to punch a hole in your current reality and get unstuck. But what actually loosens that constrained feeling is naming the countless options available to me that don’t involve the limited drastic actions.
To do this, I turn to a dependable friend: questions.
exploring the source
What is the source of my suffering?
Are there ways to remove the source without abandoning the whole reality? Could the source be hiding behind the current reality?
If I do decide to abandon the current reality, how can I be sure I don’t replace it with a reality which possesses the same source of suffering?
When was I last happy with my daily reality? When did it change to suffering or feeling like it does now?
Are there other, non-obvious contributors to the problem I think is the main problem? Could one of those contributors actually be the main problem?
reconnecting with yourself
If negative feelings hold valuable signals about the kinds of things I love, what secrets are these negative feelings holding?
What are 5 to 10 things I am absolutely certain I enjoy doing? Can I do one of them today, tomorrow or this week? Could I make a habit of doing at least one of them until I am out of my current reality?
What are indirect small changes I could make this week to make me feel more grounded and like myself?
expanding the timeline and uncoupling yourself from your current reality
Have I felt this way before?
What did I do last time I felt this way and would I give my past self any advice in hindsight?
When I fast forward ten years from now, does the current suffering feel smaller?
If I were giving advice to someone I love who was in my current situation, what would I tell them?
If 3-5 of the people I consider wise or admire greatly were my personal advisors, what would they likely tell me right now?
alternative paths and sense of scale
How many alternate paths can I think of this morning on my walk?
Of all the options I come up with, how many will still be options in a week or month?
What is the smallest version of the most exciting alternate path and could I experiment with doing it very soon?
What’s the exact opposite of my current reality?
What are the parts of my current reality that feel most aligned with my true self?
What are variations of my current reality that feel exciting still?
If the binary extremes are off limits (quitting vs staying, dropping out vs status quo, etc), what alternatives are most compelling? Which variables feel like they offer the most relief?
What’s a bold but reasonable request I can make to the relevant person or people contributing to my suffering that may lessen it?
hatching the private plan and creating pockets of your new reality
Let’s imagine I’ve already changed my daily reality (by quitting, dropping out, moving, etc)… what would I do tomorrow? How could I set myself up to make entering my next reality smoother?
If I had to make the construction of my next reality a secret project I work on privately over the next month, what would my plan be?
What are a few things I’d love my next reality to include?
Who has a daily reality that I admire? What is it about that reality that I might be missing in mine?
What work am I most proud of? Is there a way to do more of that kind of work in my current reality? If not, can I do that type of work without my current reality’s permission?
Is there a small activity, project, or ritual I can introduce that will make me feel more aligned with my true self and the reality I wish I was in?
What does the version of me in my aspirational reality do every day? What does that version of me feel like? Can I begin one of those routines, habits, or feelings now?
Are there any frames of mind that make me immune to the suffering of my current reality? What makes those frames of mind possible?
How can I make my current reality feel lighter or more playful knowing that it won’t be my current reality for much longer?
Keep expanding your sense of what’s possible by excavating more questions. You will know when a specific question feels more energetic or resonant for you than the others. Focus on that one until you have some answers you think are true.
Go on a walk every morning and make it your goal to discover at least one new question which makes you feel slightly lighter, more optimistic, or curious. Write about the tension you feel — state the facts like a military report, but also ask yourself questions and answer them directly. Resist abstraction.
Cut your time online in half. Make sure you get outside more, are eating well, and sleep on a consistent schedule.
You do not need to solve every problem. You do not need to find your life’s work or the perfect path within the next few months. Think about stabilizing yourself within your current reality before you attempt to transform it. Enter your new reality calmly, confidently and with intention.
The trick is to shift your focus from getting out of your current situation and instead look for the possibilities that feel most inviting. Those are the doors to your next reality worth walking through. It is almost always better to change your reality by being attracted towards something than it is by being repelled from something.
Know that the people you admire have been exactly where you are now. There is no need for shame, embarrassment, or regret. This reality is a lesson, teaching you which realities are not for you and which are.
You know your current reality is officially temporary. You know a new reality is forming. Breathe, talk to people you love, be patient and live in your current reality a little while longer with the trickster joy of knowing something it doesn’t: it’ll soon be gone.
